It’s sad when you know more about someone else then yourself.
I’ve spent time isolated from everyone else.
still… It seems like my own personality melts.
Then, sinks through the crack called other people and leaves.
If not, my mind goes blank from the weed.
Instead of growing myself like a tree.
I’m burning them.
again…
Its hard to focus when the voice in your head is ferocious
and i know this;
But it’s so severe i think it should be a diagnosis,
Crazy shit like a bucket full of lotion,
Hannibal Lecter reference… but this is the climax of my movie, apotheosis.
and still I’m hopeless
“fool” of emotions.
I bet you didn’t even notice
I cried today; not a river but an ocean.
I didn’t show it, call me Moses.
and that out of all my friends death is the closest.
again “fool” of emotions
The cause of my lifes demotions.
Maybe I’m just to open;
to much I show em.
maybe just to broken.
maybe I should go then.
Theemptyspacethatseparatesonewordfromanother.
It’s nothing but even nothing is something.
imaginelifewithoutit;
and yet still nothing.
isntitfuckedupthatsomethingthathelpsuseverydayweseeasnothing.
everything would be different without the space bar and it’s nothing!
but me.. I’m something.
funny thing is if i was gone nothing would change..
nothingwouldchange.
love- a feeling that i question everyday of its existence.
synonym: hate, antonym: reality
hate- the only solution for when you are mad at me
synonym: I’m sorry, antonym: I don’t care
I’m sorry- tells someone you don’t want to lose them even when life is treating them unfair
synonym: me, antonym: you
me- someone that wants love and is willing to jump through the hoops. though reality sometimes ruins my minds state, (and all i feel is hate) It’s just another way of me saying I’m sorry for disappointing. the only thing I don’t care about is what other people think because this is my life I’m enjoying.
i tickle my palm with my finger as i look at the keyboard.
i’ve held the backspace down three times already, and still all i can think of writing about is self-pity or you.
see you‘re in bold because you are that important to me.
What the fuck is wrong with my mental state.
i’ve contemplated suicide off and on since I was eight (believe it or not) and now all i am living for is my family.
It’s not a big family but at least i know they care.
i’m sure you have noticed my “i’s” aren’t capitalized.
This is because i feel rather small; it’s not some grammatical errors you are seeing.
Yea anyone can read this but this is meant for you.
Funny thing is you will probably never read this.
All i want to say is be happy when i cant, be strong when i’m weak and live long even if i don’t.
i have seen enough of life.
i have experienced all emotions, though depression being the most, and isn’t that all that is to experience?
i feel as though life is just a giant circle of mood swings and nothing more.
We live to live for others and some prosper but what’s after that?
It’s not like we can benefit ourselves in the end.
Before someone passes (if they can) they always wait to go so they can say one last goodbye.
i think it is because they realize that is all that is left to do.
Everything important to them throughout the years goes out the window except the people they care about.
They stay.
Conversations
Contemplations
My heart is racing
Please don’t chase it
Forgive me for the lack of reparation
It’s not a new sensation
But it increases in complication
I cant say I made it
Yes still it’s racing
Faster now fuck pacing
My heart could run a nation
But it would only beat for you so stop with the playing
If i served my life in prison would it be so bad?
After all life is a prison where we work and die.
Funny thing is death is like the end of our sentence.
Hell I’m guessing once that sentence is done It will just start another. Back to square on.
So i catch myself thinking ” Is it possible to be free, or is life meant to be a sentence?”
A life just made for death… I mean come on did you expect it to be more?
We’re all atoms just put together densely and atoms are made up of 99% empty space.
Wouldn’t that make us 99% empty? Maybe that’s why we show so many emotions.
It’s filling the 99% of empty space with feelings to make us whole.
But what about the trees 99%?
or my glass of water
does that mean everything feels
or is it something else…
And i still sit here and realize that everything in the universe is decomposing.. slowly but sadly true.
I took three. Two wasnt enough. Those three have me calm though. Now im chilling because of those three. You offered me one more but I was good. Then you took three with me. But the difference is.. you took two on the side. I saw what those two will do. So I took three… I took three minutes to realize I dont need the pills. Though you gave me an extra minute to think about it im honestly good. I know even though you are zoneing in and out from the two you still should no thats just not me but you offered and I took three to say no
How much is enough?
Enough pain is not much but I seem to get a bunch.
I’m lucky I’m tolerant to such.
It’s funny they say I’m in no need to rush.
but that just makes me think how short life can be cut.
my mother told me years ago.
fuck these immature girls. it’s about the love you show.
yea I know,
but if time is cut short then waste; my pursuit of happiness will go.
So I’m feeling low;
time not so well wasted.
I want my own life no need to copy and paste it.
Don’t wanna be known as basic,
just a legend.
I feel like I’m known for my depression.
but my depression shows that I’m learning lessons.
Is this life just a secession?
but I might relapse, hmm recession.
lifes complexion
Oh forgot to mention,
I could end it all now make death my profession.
I left it all,
but in my head.
I was alone… but it was good for once.
there’s no one to impress and no one to lose in my head.
Deep in my mind I found a cabin.
I went there with no connection to the outside world.
It gave me time to kill.
Then I realized killing time was killing me.
The in-head getaway of my imagination was turning into yet another hell because of time.
Loneliness was becoming apparent.
time is still fading…
In the cabin there was a clock.
I sat at the desk and fiddled with a pencil and piece of paper.
I tried to write a good memory down.
I couldn’t focus though…
the clock was ticking.
I took the clock off the wall and buried it in the woods in the back.
I went back into the cabin and the clock was still there… ticking away.
I found one thing I cant escape,
even in my mind.
Time
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